My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Randomize
