dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize