Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
