My sheets look like a crime scene.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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