Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
In America we eat man semen.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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