Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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