I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
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