Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Randomize
