i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
