My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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