If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
