this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
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