i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
