sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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