Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
