That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
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