I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
