was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
