The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Randomize
