U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
