i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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