ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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