I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
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