Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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