Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
