Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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