Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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