I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Randomize