did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
