The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
