The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
