At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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