her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
That accounts for only three of the penises
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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