Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
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