I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Grow some girl-balls and come out already
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
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