Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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