remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
