He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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