awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Please don't give away my fajitas
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