I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Randomize
