It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Alive.
So much puke
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
