I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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