I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
