she woke up with a sticky ear
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
