when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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