for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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