Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
If no ones going to say it, then I will. Vanessa Hudgens boobs are weird looking
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
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