Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
