if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
My dick has a subreddit
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
