Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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