y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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