Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Randomize
