There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Randomize
