did you get engaged???
All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
